Bar room brawling in dreamland....

My husband is one of the most lovable men I have ever known. He is also sometimes a major grouch and just about always annoying. Well, not 'always' but very likely about 95% percent of the time. He has some very strange sleep habits that because of my incurable insomnia, I happen to find extra annoying.

Nels is a typical tough-guy biker dude. He's ruggedly handsome and just has this air of "Don't "F" with me" about him that people really take heed of. In his younger days he was apparently quite the bar room brawler. The stories I've heard would make many a brave man shudder and many a smart man avoid making him mad at any cost.

As generally happens when you age, you become more mellow, or shall I say "smarter", no longer picking fights with younger men that could and would annihilate you in a heartbeat. That 'urge to fight' must remain strong though as at 62 years of age Nels is still getting in bar room brawls on a regular basis, only now he does them in his sleep. This makes it much safer for him but very unsafe for me, the wife /bed partner.

I'm used to it now, and know that when he starts twitching in his sleep that a round of fist fighting is about to follow with some imaginary antagonist and I'd better get my wall of pillows up fast! It usually starts out with him talking to someone in his sleep, no, actually yelling at them..... "I told you, you *** Damned, mother ****** to get out of my face!" or "You want to go outside and put your money where your mouth is a**hole?" or "Allright, now you made me mad!"

The talking/yelling in his sleep is usually followed by a round of body twitching. I asssume this is him in his little dream world avoiding the "other guys" blows. After a round of twitching, here comes the right hook. BLAM!

The first time this happened it landed right between my shoulder blades. (Fortunately for me I was facing away from him). Jolted out of a sound sleep by the blow, my first reaction was pain followed by intense anger. "What the HELL did you do that for?" I yelled. "Zzzzzzzzzzzz, snork, snork, Zzzzzzzzzz" was all I got in reply. "Damnit! You just socked me in the back!" I continued. "What the HELL did you do that for? Wake-up!"

"Huh... (snork, snork)..... what? What are you yelling about?" Now he's finally at least half way awake and trying to sit up in bed. "What are you yelling about? What's wrong with you?" he asks.

"What's wrong with me?" I'm incredulous that he would imply that this was somehow my doing. "What's wrong with me? You just slugged me in the back!" "What did you do that for?"

He's now fully awake and looking at me like I have lost my ever loving mind. "What do you mean I slugged you in the back? I was sound asleep and now you've woke me up for nothing!" He actually sounds annoyed that I dared to wake him. "Why would I slug you when I'm sound asleep?" He asks.

"What the Fuck?" I yell. "I don't know 'why', I just know you did! AND IT HURT!" "And you should apologize!" I'm almost in tears now and very frustrated that he thinks he did nothing wrong.

"Apologize for what?" He asks, quite innocently. "I didn't do anything wrong."

"You socked me in your sleep and it hurt! Now APOLOGIZE!" I'm mad now and crying because he thinks he did nothing wrong just because he wasn't conscious when it happened.

"Okay, okay, don't cry. I'm sorry I socked you in my sleep." He apologizes lamely.

"It's okay. Forget it. Let's just go back to sleep." I sniffle.

I roll over and snuggle up to him and close my eyes to return to sleep. After about three minutes he asks....

"What did you do wrong?"

I open my eyes. "What the fuck?" I ask in disbelief. "What do you mean....What did I do wrong? What the hell is that suppossed to mean?" I can't believe what I'm hearing.

"What did you do wrong to make me so mad that I would sock you in my sleep?" He's teasing me now but I'm not finding it the least bit funny.

"What's 'that' suppossed to mean?" I query. "I didn't do ANYTHING wrong!!"

"Well you must have done something wrong or I wouldn't have felt the need to punish you by socking you in my sleep." He's chuckling now but I'm not finding his warped sense of humor amusing at 3:00 in the morning.

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! I'm tired and I want to go to sleep now and YOU are being ridicules!" Now I'm pissed and he's laughing at me!

"You're always doing something wrong and you're always getting into trouble and I'm always having to bail you out." He's laughing hysterically now. "So just tell me what it is you did wrong and we can go back to sleep." He says.

"You've turned this whole thing around to make it look like it's my fault and it's NOT! I DID NOTHING WRONG and even if I did you can't just sock me in your sleep for it!" I bellow. Now I'm really pissed!

"Ahhh then, you admit it, you DID do something wrong." He's really taunting me now, totally enjoying my anger.

"ARRRRGGGHHHHHHH......I DID NOTHING WRONG! Just leave me alone I'm going to sleep now!" I cry.

I roll back over on my side facing away from him with the intention of totally ignoring him and not playing this stupid game with him. He leans over and kisses my cheek. "I'm sorry I socked you in my sleep. I didn't do it on purpose and I apologize." He sounds sincere.

I smile and close my eyes.

"Honey?" He asks.

"Hmmm?" I reply.

"Just consider it an advance for the next time you're bad." He teases.

"Arrrrghhhhhhhhhh"........... "You're impossible and I'm going to sleep!" I groan.

A few weeks later we were in Mexico and came across this sign hanging in a bar....

Whack your wife every day.
If you don't know why you're wacking her, don't worry....
She knows!

If I ever run across that sign again I'll definitely buy it to hang in my bar here at home.

We now have about eight pillows on the bed. Whenever I feel some twitching coming on that signals an oncoming bar room brawl in dreamland, I build myself a pillow wall and let him box away!