Uh..HELLO!!!! My plants do not smoke!

We have a great party home. We have a great pool and Bar-B-Que area and we have great friends. We love entertaining and for the most part the majority of our friends are very neat and clean and wouldn't dream of being disrespectful to our home or property. Some friends though just don't get it.

It never fails that we throw a pool party and people end up using all my planters on the patio as ashtrays. This is one of the most annoying things I think a person can do.

I know people smoke. I don't smoke but not a problem. Many, if not most of my friends do smoke. I'm a good hostess, I always take this need into consideration and provide ashtrays everywhere for the use of my friends who prefer to pollute their lungs. It's all good. We have ashtrays everywhere. At the bar-b-que area, at the bar, in all three tiki huts, on every table, around the jacuzzi and everywhere else you could possibly imagine.

So why is it then that every time a party is over and I'm cleaning up the next day I find dozens and dozens of cigarette butts in my planters?!?

HELLO PEOPLE!!! My plants DO NOT SMOKE!! I literally hate it when people are inconsiderate this way. You have ashtrays everywhere. Why do people assume it is okay to use someone elses planters as ashtrays?

Or even better still is when some moron that uses chewing tobacco decides that one of your planters would make a good spitoon and they stand there spitting on your poor helpless plant!

I've become a real bitch about it lately. I mean enough is enough! How many times do you have to tell folks that it is NOT okay to grind your butts out in my planters? Finally, I started posting signs everywhere around the yard.

The sign features an angry looking plant (I'd call it a Piranha Plant) and says the following:

We do not smoke.
NOR DO OUR PLANTS!
So why then would you think it is okay to grind your nasty butts out in our planters?
Guess what?
IT'S NOT OKAY!

Okay, so this is pretty blunt and to the point, right? You'd think that any moron could read the sign and figure out that it's not okay to grind your butts out in the planters, right?

But Ohhhhh Nooooo.... the morons just don't get it and last month after yet another fun party, I had to go around and "de-butt" my poor plants! What's a person to do??

I've decided that for now on I am going to watch and see who is grinding their butts out in my planters. The next time I catch someone doing it I am going to wait until they light up again and then I'm going to go up to them, take their newly lit cigarette away, and bend over and GRIND IT OUT ON THEIR SHOE!

If they don't happen to be wearing any shoes..... "Oh well, here's a band-aid!"

Maybe if I burn enough shoes/feet people will start getting the point! Ya think?

Party Crashers - There's one at every gathering!

We have a very nice backyard complete with pool, jacuzzi, landscaped and manicured lawns and gardens, guest house, tiki huts, etc....

http://www.nelligansisland.com/

Well, all summer long of course we host small get togethers and bar-b-ques with our closest friends and family. Almost every weekend we have something small going on here. About twice a year we host very large parties/bar-b-ques. Usually a huge one on our good friend Dave's birthday (mid June), a huge 4th of July bash and then in October a Halloween Pimp and Ho party. At the larger parties we might sometimes have as many as 100 people show up!

For the most part they have all been invited. Sometimes a friend will bring a friend of theirs as well, no big deal.... But when people that are total whack-jobs show up out of the blue and you have absolutely no idea who they are, things can get kind of weird.

At one of our larger parties last year we had close to 100 people attend of which at least 20 of them were children. It was a hot day and everyone was having a great time hanging out in the pool and jacuzzi. Towards the later afternoon several of the men headed for the bar-b-que/bar/tiki hut to all enjoy a good cigar. My girlfriend and I went with them to serve drinks and beer while the guys smoked. A few of the kids tagged along just to be annoying (but hey, that's what kids do, so we all just tolerate it).

We know most everyone there, but as with any party there are a few no-names that we have never seen before but this kind of just goes along with having big parties, again for the most part no big deal.

So the guys are all at the bar smoking their cigars, and my girlfriend and I are behind the bar fetching beers for the guys, when up saunters this 19-20 year old kid. I have never seen him before but he seems nice enough. So anyway, teen-boy saunters up to the bar and of course one of the men offers him up a cigar. "That's okay" says teen-boy, "I brought my own". He then proceeds to pull out a joint and light it right there in front of everyone.

I see him immediately and yell over to him "Uh, HELLO... I LIVE HERE." Meaning "What the fuck are you doing lighting up a joint here at my home?"

Stupid-ass teen boy just looks at me with the typical druggie blank look on his face and extends his hand and says "Hi, I'm Robert."

Ignoring his hand I ask him "Did you just dare to light up a joint here at MY party, at MY bar in front of OUR KIDS?"

"Uh, oh, uh sorry" he stammers "You want some?" He tries to pass me the joint.

"Fuck no I don't want some, what the fuck are you doing lighting that shit up here at my party, AT MY HOUSE, and while we are at it WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

By now I'm really yelling and the guys who were busy yakking a minute ago all turn around and FINALLY take notice of the moron with the joint in his hand.

I could visually see him shrink about 6 inches, realizing that with 9 men all over 6' tall and 195 pounds and up looking at him like they are about to tear him apart, he probably did not act appropriately here at this crazy ladies party.

"Yeah, who the hell are you anyway" our friend Jim asks, while snatching the joint out of teen-boys hand and crushing it beneath his size 13 feet.

"Uh, I told you, I'm Robert. I'm a friend of Jack's, he invited me" he stammers, now obviously wondering what the hell he was doing there.

"Look Robert" I snarl at him. "I don't know you or what you are doing here and who the hell is Jack?"

"Uh, you know Jack, that does the masonry. He's a friend of Tom, Tom Warner." He's now desperately trying to validate his presence at a party where he was NOT invited and had no idea was so anti-drugs of any kind.

"Tom is not even here at this party" one of the guys yells back at teen boy.

"I know, he couldn't come but he told Jack that it would be okay if I went."

Okay let's get this straight..... someone I barely knew but invited anyway, told someone else that I never have met that he could invite you to my party? Huh? How does that work exactly?

"Jack said your husband was a biker and he wouldn't have a problem with me coming."
whines teen boy.

I am standing there with my mouth just gaping open, in total awe of the mass stupidity that this boy is exhibiting.

Okay, now you've pissed me off....

"You think because my husband is a 'biker' that you, someone we don't even know and have never seen before, can just crash MY PARTY (I'm shouting now) AND LIGHT UP A JOINT IN FRONT OF MY KIDS?"

I now have a Corona bottle in my hand and am very tempted to use it on his head.

Now my husband, and the other guys are getting worried. Worried that psycho wife from hell is about to commit murder. They way to gently (I thought) pick up teen pot boy, and with each man holding him by an arm, and carry him out of the yard and to his car.

He leaves and of course we never here from him again.

We have since then notified all our friends that if they are invited and want to bring someone else, we must be notified and they are responsible for that persons behaviour.

Tomorrow we are having another birthday party here for our friend Dave. We'll see how it goes. I'm sure though that teen pot boy will not have the balls to crash another party here again!